Wedding Craft Pictures and My Desire to Cancel the Wedding

Remember me? It's been two weeks without writing a blog post. Well, that isn't entirely accurate. I've written many, many blog posts over the past two weeks, probably at least one a day. The issue is I never actually sat down to my computer to write them down. They all have just been kind of floating around in my head.

I've been in a funk, mostly about the wedding and summer going by much too quickly. I'm slowly coming out of it. It's not a wedding unless planning and executing it makes you crazy, right? Severe PMS mixed with all the wedding nonsense got the best of me.

If I were brave enough and not so attached to the money I've already spent, I would have called the wedding off to do it completely different. I'd have a nice very intimate ceremony at Lake Tahoe with just Ryan, Luna, and I with a nice man to officiate us at one of those little wedding chapels near the lake. We'd do it by a campfire at dusk and I'd be in a light airy white dress. It would be simple, but very heartfelt and meaningful. We'd kiss then hug our little Bean after and we'd be married, man and wife. Simple as that.

Instead I'm having a wedding where we'll be the center of attention (which I hate), I'll have to speak up in front of people (which I hate), and I've have to party for the better part of an evening (which exhausts me). Hopefully I'm not the only bride to feel this way. Oh, and not to mention having to get all dolled up. As a girl, I feel like this should be my dream -- to have a nice fancy wedding, with all my friends, and it's the most special day of my life. Here's the thing though: I never really fantasized about my wedding like other girls. I didn't plan things and expect things. Frankly, I didn't care too much. I did fantasize about actually being married, just not getting married.

A good week or so has passed since this initial breakdown. I'm trying to be a bit more mindful of the wedding tasks at hand rather than seeing them as something comparable to "homework assignments." That's helped some. I'm sure I'll appreciate all the work I've done once the day comes but it doesn't make me too much happier when I'm sitting on this side of my wedding date.

In the end, however, I'll be happily married. And that's all that really matters. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. :)

-Ms. 246